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Dear Administrator,I am so sympathetic about （改为to）the children who have no families that I want to help them（使用代词有点重复，建议改为do some help）. I think there is some child who has the talent in music, sport, and so on, so I intend to help one child.（句子表达不顺畅，建议改为，I wonder if you can help me find a child with talent in music or sport.） I will offer financial aid to the child, giving a chance for him to fulfill the dream.Children are the(增加like) flowers, they should get development very well, no matter they are in good family or not（句子表达建议改为have the equal right to grow up no matter they are born in a rich or poor family）. We should do our best to help them. So, please elect a candidate who does well in sport for me. I will give him the best education I could, and give him a family. He could attain the family’s warm. I also wish everybody could pay attention to the orphan, because they are (根据句意，需要加also)the country’s future.
Sincerely yours,
Li Ming
点评：6-7分
文章内容完整，结构清晰，语言表达基本符合语言习惯。文中虽然有较多的红色更改，但是整体来看，你的构思和语言运用都是较好的。
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发表于 2017-8-6 15:44:44