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Cooperation Makes Us Success
How vivid and thought-provoking the picture is in decreasing a modern social phenomenon about cooperation!As is clearly and symbolically shown in the painting,two disable men support each other with their powerful hands to keep walking.What we can see on the margin part of the picture is a poem, which means that the two disable young men will help each other keeping walking all over the world.（第一段非常出彩。标题简介明了，朗朗上口。图画描写的也很生动，用了一些很好的形容词，比如powerful，symbolical, thought-provoking, vivid等等。我唯一不能明白的是在“in decreasing a modern social phenomenon about cooperation!”考虑将“a”放在decreasing前面去）
It goes without saying that the intention of the drawing is to reveal us that in modern society,a dramatically growing factor of success is cooperation,the nflence of the two young men is outstanding.i can find out no better illstration other than the follwing . in a football team ,every member is one of the team.cooperation will make them confidence and success. And with the quiokening pace of modern life and the increasingly fierce competation .in our society ,hardly can anyone succeed in his career or study without cooperation .
on the basic of the analysis above and thoes i have not ever mentioned, we may safely draw a conclusion that cooperation makes us success. A hopeful and brilliant full future will be on the corner when all of us are cooprate with each others.
大作文点评：
满分20分 评分：18
你的写作基本上暂时不用复习了，你已经掌握了写作的要领，你考试时候是否能高分，一要看你是否够仔细，二要看你考前是否有练手，三要看你的运气成分。总之，你的功底是很好的，不用我再赘述一些如何写作的东西。时间有限，你将时间和精力投入到其他课程中去吧。
我虽然给了你一个比较高的分数，但是心里还是有点担心。其实，这个漫画的本意是，两个残疾人的合作能让残疾人获得更多，摆脱以往的束缚。强调的是合作对克服自身缺陷的重要性。所以，光合作本身并不是这个漫画的主要意思。虽然你也提到了这层意思，但总感觉你是在说它，又不是在说它，有点擦边球的感觉。比如，你举的例子中就没有提到每个运动员的局限性。当然，你这肯定不是跑题，但会损失一些印象分。另外，一些细节地方，我划线出来的，是我觉得可以改进的地方。
Dear office£º
I am li ming ,a senior student. Majoy in Artical,
My purpose is to（最好婉转点，毕竟收信的对方是校长，态度要客气些，用词也不要太生硬。可以这么说I am writing this letter in order to ask for a single room next term.） ask for a new room next term.
Several reasons are listed as followed. On a hand（“一方面”的固定表达是on the one hand）,
I¡¯m enthusiastic about painting ,but becouse（拼写错误，应为because ） of sharing
with a roomate （拼写错误，应为roommate）,I have can not put them with enough space（有点中国式英语了，可以这么说I don’t have enough room to put my tools.在这里room意思是空间/空地）.on （句子开头单词的第一个字母要大写O ）the other hand,my life cycle and his are so distinctive.
We always disturb each other .The last but least（固定用法应为last but not least）, as a
Artical（A 要小写为a） student ,a quiet environment is benefit for me to
creat（拼写错误，create）, but he always has friends visiting.they（T 要大写 They） are dramatically
nosiy£¬they disturb me can¡¯t make my mind concerning.（可以用一个so that句型把这个意思表达得更清楚些,They are so noisy that I cannot concentrate on my study.）
I am looking foward（拼写错误，forward） to your reply at your earliest（convenience已有“便利”的意思了，earliest有点多余了，可以去掉。）
Convenience.
小作文点评：
词汇拼写错误太多，在小作文里，这个量算比较多了，写的时候要注意自己的拼写。另外，值得提醒的是，在写这种投诉信的时候，别光抱怨，要记得提出请求或者要求解决问题，在本文中就是要请求下个学期分个单身宿舍住，最好在第二段的最后写上一句就更好了。继续努力，并要注意拼写。
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发表于 2017-8-6 15:44:38